agogelogs | TOGETHER WE STAND

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TOGETHER WE STAND—

WHO? noctis

fessus and hei

dipolar.
WHAT? noctis is alive, lying to himself over and over finally paid off.
WHEN? gallipoli's final hours, on the last boat out of hell.
ANYTHING ELSE? warning for injury, alcoholism, man tears.

(he was ferried to this boat well long before the final evacuation, refusing to be carried on by stretchers only the near-dead should occupy. but below deck, where he's dry, safe, and surrounded by survivors, hei still feels like he's washed back up on the beaches of another hell.

it's a different kind. it comes to him by way of warm celebration when he wants nothing more than to huddle up alone and feed into his own nerve-wracking paranoias. wine's poured out into a cup and introduced to his hands while the naïve take his arms and hail him a hero, hurrying him in the direction of french soldiers who've been waiting to hear stories. stories of danger, grandeur, and feats no average man should be capable of. he wasn't meant to sing songs of successes with them, numbly sloshing drink onto the chest of his tattered uniform, a fact only noticed when he doesn't speak after being prompted to.

while he's met with some understanding — men with shell shock don't typically tell happy tales or speak much at all —, hei's quickly forgotten and left by the wayside.

they're all scrabbling to celebrate life, drink to their successes, honour the fallen with toasts and cheers. it's fine. hei understands. he can relate to the dozens of haunted men who've hunched over on themselves and intend to spend the night with their thoughts and thank god in their own way. there's no energy he can provide the festivities when his own failures weigh on him so heavily that he practically buckles under the gravity of them all.

throat tight, suddenly and overwhelmingly uncomfortable with every bump of arm and elbow, he turns to escape with a drop of his cup, letting it clatter. he wants to get topside so he can breathe in bitter air, searching the crowd for any available exit, managing to run into someone and catch himself.)

Move.

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[ Their arrival in Gallipoli, their first look at the beaches and inhalations of smoke-tinged air, feels like it's years past. When Noctis is thrust back into it after a glimpse into another world altogether he almost fails to recognize it, jarred by how powerfully everything about the war assaults his senses when he wants nothing more than some time alone to piece his mind back together.

It doesn't get better the longer he stays in it.

Midnighter's presence helps, though as usual the other man is able to access a level of detached objectivity that Noctis simply can't and in some ways it leaves him feeling even more out of place. The other men say he's shell-shocked and he wonders now if that's true. He doubts it. But when it's announced that it's his turn to shuffle to the boats he feels a sense of overwhelming relief at potentially being reunited with several friends he's had yet to see. He's scrambling for anchors, for scraps of familiarity that are worth holding onto.

The cheers are unexpected. Maybe they shouldn't have been; these men have been here a hell of a lot longer than the rest of them have and they deserve their celebrations, don't they? He tries to slip past them, eyes scanning mops of dirty hair, but his best efforts don't save him from colliding with a hard body. Wait, that voice-- ]

Hei? [ His own is almost inaudible, tenuous already and ready to be drowned out by another cheer. ]

(sucks a sharp breath in at the sight of him, chalking it up to hallucination. it'd make sense, he's been in a rough and tumble state for a week now and his tenuous hold on health is forcing his mind into loops. fuck, going over the events leading up to noctis' disappearance alone have been tolling, so this must just be some cruel joke.)

Noctis? (a weak question, laden with a guilt that's become oppressive.

hei's not one to let his delusions stop wine-stained fingers from twitching at his sides, arms forced up and out and around the boy's shoulders. an unkempt chin rough with facial hair he couldn't keep shaving presses into a narrow shoulder and he tries not to let all the wine he'd drunk coerce him into tears.

he's real, he's alive, he's back from wherever the hell they've been keeping him. so soon, too? hei has half a mind to demand answers out of him, quiz him on things from back in his world to ascertain whether or not his core history's been tampered with the way young said it would be. he's sure that can wait, selfishly raking fingers into the back of his friend's shirt. he's alive.)

I'm sorry.

[ The look he's met with is enough to steal the breath from him, only able to compare it to the distance in Hei's eyes when they were collapsed together at the base of a trench and fingers had been clawing at a corpse just over his head. There's a lack of recognition at first, chased by both wariness and hope, then overtaken by relief. Sadness.

Words fail him in response to an apology that he doesn't understand -- is it because Hei feels he should've protected him? Is it just his own expression of sympathy for what can safely be assumed to have been a brutal experience? His gaze passes over a sea of alcohol-reddened faces, most mirthful but many more pensive and frozen. His fingers tighten in Hei's jacket in return, then, suddenly taking a sharp step back that has him jostling another soldier who, far from seeming angry, just laughs and claps him on the shoulder.

He makes sure to keep Hei close as they scale the stairs again together, breaking free from the warmth of the celebrations to exchange it for solitude and cold night air. There are still no words from him as he guides him further towards the side of the boat, staring out at a choppy sea. ]

--sorry. If it's too cold we can go back down again. If you're still hurt pretty badly... I was worried about you.

(the hug's short-lived. he's being stepped away from and his stomach gives an awful lurch at the grim promises it tries to make him. thankfully he's being pulled before his overactive imagination can get the better of him, redirected to the deck above when noctis bids him to follow — he does, hair in his eyes as he casts wary looks down at the stairs he climbs. one foot after the other, despite the fact that they blur with every blink, reaching up to rub at wet eyes like a child. he'd lost another, he was so sure of it.

shakes his head vehemently when noctis offers to go back down, but he thinks he knows why the boy wants to be out here. there's more space, fewer bodies to bump against them and grab their shoulders, less prying eyes from either team. there could be regency agents thrown in amongst the crowds and his paranoia was high enough before he even reached the ship, packed like sardines in something so feeble, a tiny little cork bobbing on top of a vast, dark ocean.)

No, it's fine. I'm fine up here. (rushes the white lie and uses the guard rail keeping them from taking a spill over the side as a crutch, wanting desperately to reach for him again but the situation's changed the moment seems like it's come and gone.) Noctis, I thought you were—

(bowing his head to hide his face, shame burning at his cheeks and ears like someone's stamped them with a hot iron. this was his fault. this was their fault. teeth tighten at the disgust that threatens to bubble up and spew out in some vomitous apology noctis should never accept, but the explanation will have to wait. he needs to know if his friend's okay, if he can do anything for him before he's left alone again.)

I was a damn fool. (he croaks, only looking up when he regains some semblance of control.) I'm so glad you're back. Are you hurt anywhere?

[ He doesn't want to speak. His head's pounding and his body's already starting to remember its bruises from his time spent in brutally cramped quarters thanks largely to the bite of cold air that immediately amplifies all discomfort. He wants to sit with Hei, like he did before, and find a way to get wordless comfort out of it. But Hei no doubt has as many questions as he himself does, if not more. ]

No. [ Nothing worth mentioning in his mind, anyway. A few close-calls with bullets, some cuts and scrapes. Nowhere close to as bad as he's used to. ]

You should be looking at yourself for that. I kept thinking about... well, they kept us in cells for a long time; there wasn't a lot to do that wasn't thinking.

I kept thinking about how bad off you were when I passed out. Should've known you'd pull through. [ Fingers grip the icy railing for a moment before he hunches over instead, clothed forearms taking the hit of that chill as he leans against it. ] And how I knew you'd do something stupid like worry about me more instead.

(jerks a little, hand finding the back of noctis' shirt to grip the hem of it as though that'd keep him from dropping into the ocean. it's an involuntary act, one he's pulling himself out of with his fingers' gradual release, and hei ducks his head. what the fuck is wrong with him? can he let go for two damn seconds to let his friend catch his breath?

it feels like he's going to disappear again. that he'll vanish along with his location again and leave him behind.)

... Guess we both should've. (hei admits, swaying with the natural rocking of the ship on black waves.

they have faith in one another, but maybe they shouldn't when it comes to situations like these? maybe they're better off worrying over one another, when it could come in handy later? that's what hei questions, too used to the cold to find it anything more than a nuisance. he wishes he had a different jacket, one with less holes. or a blanket they could huddle under.)

It must've been difficult. I can't imagine. (he understands it, no better than most but he's done his fair share of kidnapping and every single one of his captives expressed the same urge to plead for their lives and a chance to go home.) I have a lot to ask, but take your time. Alright? We're safer now, as safe as can be expected on a ship like this.

(a short silence, weighty, before hei makes an offer:)

You'll catch cold out here. Can't I find you a place to sit that's away from all this? We can discuss everything there.

[ That hand grabs at him and Noctis isn't able to downplay his reaction to it, pushing against the railing with a slow turn of his head back towards Hei. It takes a moment before confusion turns to understanding, brow furrowing with a quiet, hard-to-read frown. Does he think he's going to fall in? Jump? It isn't a thought that would occur to him, but it's one that would occur to his friend. ]

Ah... yeah, sure. Let's go. [ Anything to make things easier for the one of them that actually needs it more. He pushes off of the railing entirely now, eyes casting about for another spot... and ends up nodding back towards the stairs. ] Maybe at least near them -- some of the warmer air'll rise up from below. Just...

[ His hand hesitates in reaching for Hei but he forces it, gently gripping his upper arm. ]

Can you tell me you're okay first? What's been happening?

(the stairs see a lot of traffic, but so long as they're out of the line of fire it should be tolerable. hei doesn't particularly feel like being patted and shoved again, side still agonizing; every sudden movement is a blistering kind of pain. noctis' body must be fighting through its overuse as well, something he can tell at a glance with the king's eyes as bruised as they are, his face marked by his troubles.

what touch he can excuse is the hand that catches him by the bicep when he's pulling away to take up their new post, glad for it. he teeters a little, wine messing with his balance, before finding his sea legs.)

Achilles brought me back to camp and Dorian kept me alive. I'm still recovering... but there's nothing I can do until we're back. (finally honest with him, now that he's ascertained that noctis' own wounds are superficial — and psychological.) Achilles is gone, now, Noctis. He disappeared after Kebechet made a public address on our network. ... I'm sorry.

[ Dorian? Yeah, he'd mentioned him before, not long before Noctis had been taken, hadn't he? For him it's still an unsolved mystery but one that'll remain so a little while longer as Hei's next words sink in. He allows his hand to drop slowly as he turns his body away, back shown to the ocean. ]

... I couldn't feel him anymore. I thought maybe our connection was just... you know, that the Regency interrupted it. Guess I was wrong. [ Fingers rub at his jaw as he casts a distracted glance back, one that doesn't quite reach Hei before he's jerking his head forward again in a gesture towards the stairs. He leads the short trip over, only turning again when he's ready to offer Hei a hand -- crouching down to sit in the condition that he's in can't be easy, after all, and even with as disconnected as he's feeling he keeps Hei's comfort a high priority. There's not much else that he can help with or control right now. ]

... What did Kebechet say? [ His voice still sounds off, distant. ]

(watches how noctis copes with the information. a turn of the head, a quiet stare, no twists of mouth into a grimace, no tears. compared to other losses, this must be far less painful. still unfortunate to be sure, but one of no real importance. and that's the difference between them. while this young king finds the remorse for all of the teammates they've lost, hei thinks it's "regrettable", "disappointing".

words with no real meaning.

takes his hand readily when it's offered to him, logical enough to know this is going to pain him and appreciating noctis' help with it.) Fuck— he wanted us to surrender. As an exchange for our men. For you. (he sinks and takes a knee before letting the rest of him follow, cheeks burning with the exertion of holding back the grunt of pain that's choked off.)

He wanted us to demonstrate our democratic ways and put it all to a vote... I don't have to tell you how it went. (or that he almost immediately surrendered, something that's sure to be obvious by the way he's been conducting himself for months now.

his organizations? expendable. his people? hei leans against the wall just before the stairs, making damn sure they're wedged close, settled in, and resting before he continues.)

Achilles and I tried to use the confusion to make it to you on Kebechet's invitation, but it was an obvious trap. It didn't go through.

[ It isn't obvious. Not to Noctis, who scoffs humorlessly at the idea of a vote not just because he's aware of how badly they all work together but because without having heard Kebechet, without a full understanding of the situation outside, it sounds like an easy decision to make. They'd been pushing the Regency back so of course it sounds like a desperate, last ditch ploy.

He draws his knees close to his chest for warmth as he casts a quick glance over at Hei, concern obvious even with how he tries to downplay it. ]

As if people would seriously go for that... That was smart though, thanks. I--

He's the one I dealt with the most while I was in there. One on one. [ He? They? He sticks with his original assumption. HIs head sinks into his hands as he rubs at tired eyes. ] Sounds like bargaining is his thing. Part of me's glad he didn't meet up with you.

I went for that. (honest with noctis, now, eyes dropping to look beyond his friend's knees.

it really was a difficult situation. but hei had appearances to keep up and there was no way in hell the vote would swing to the side of surrender. not with all of the stubborn mules in their COST cell. frustrating, albeit reliable in a predictable way.)

Kebechet is what the Regency calls a five-star operative. Interior ministry, an Anubis who specializes in interrogations and brainwashing. (he quotes both mhic nathair and young, like reading some excerpt from a textbook, before weary eyes finally raise in a bid for something far more attentive.) What's been done to you?

[ Interrogations and brainwashing. News of neither surprises him after what he had experienced firsthand but it frames it even more starkly. It makes Hei's next question make even more sense, too, and jar something in him as he now turns to him with barely widened eyes. ]

To me? [ It hits hard what a near-miss this likely was. Kebechet had said it himself -- he could have operatives travel into Noctis's past and attack him there or rebrand his education to make him sympathetic to Regency views. ]

Nothing. Nothing, just... showed me a lot of things. What do you mean you tried to surrender?

I'd like to hear what those things you were shown are, (hei begins, voice far softer as he addresses him while knowing full well that he's only just been released from their interrogation,) before I explain anything to you.

(if he can't trust noctis, he can't trust another living soul. even m was there. who can say exactly what happened while they were away.)

If you can't tell me now, Noctis, I can't answer your question... I'm sorry for this...

... what?

[ Incredulity wells up faster than he can stop it, the apology hardly working to soften a blow he hadn't been expecting at all. Instead he just fixes him with that dark-rimmed stare, reluctant, confused, and worn down. ]

What the hell do you think they did? I saw shit that I don't wanna' talk about right now, with anyone, but it doesn't change what I'm planning to do. I've got some questions for COST maybe but that's it. No one got brainwashed, and if their attempts to recruit me had worked then I'd still be there.

That's not true. They could've sent you here as a spy.

(hei's obviously struggling with the faith they share, looking away from the tired stare that's being aimed at him. he's never known noctis to be that good of an actor... maybe it's alright. maybe he should just let go — even if the boy became a regency sympathizer, he wouldn't reject him. he'd likely join him.)

Sorry, (repeated, reaching up to run a shaky hand through matted hair and leave it tousled back away from a sullen face.) I don't want you to relive it, Noctis, and I don't want to accuse you of anything. I'm just confused... I guess we both are.

(glancing back over, frown creasing between his brows and beneath his eyes. against his better judgement, risking a possible shirking from his friend, he drops his hand and grasps him by the arm. just above the elbow, tight.)

Do you need anything?

[ The word "spy" further drives home Hei's point and he feels a burning in his eyes that isn't accompanied by sadness but by frustration. His arm tenses underneath his friend's grip as his gaze slides abruptly away from him, head knocking back against the wall as he exhales shakily and with a palpable bitterness. ]

Glad you don't want that. Really helps... [ He's being irrational and deep inside a part of him knows that, but there's no accessing logic when he's feeling this overwhelmed by an undercurrent of emotion. Everything's reaching a head and he has no idea how the hell to make it better. ]

... I'm not a spy. They showed me my dad and... some other shit. But I'm not a spy.

(he's sure he'd react similarly. if not emotionally, then certainly as bitterly as noctis. the dry response, then, is taken in stride. what's really important is the content of what he says next, a reassuring confirmation of something he needed to know to move forward. noctis doesn't understand now, but when everything cools off he will.

there's no trusting someone who's had direct contact with someone trained in brainwashing, not before screening them first.)

I believe you. (what else is there for him to do?

he bows his head a little, hand dropping away with the gaze that was lingering on the side of his face.)

I am. For our side, whatever that means.

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TOGETHER WE STAND—

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